I took the bus from Tampere to Helsinki today to participate in a workshop hosted by the finish bioart society. Actually I missed the bus and took the train. On the train I decided to make another guided meditation, not for art but for mental health. One designed to sooth a person having a panic attack. I wrote 20 pages of the script. When I got off the train I found myself telling myself not to be afraid of this city. I was surprised that the idea had even cross my mind. I have always found so much freedom and power form travelling alone. This is why I am here. Today it did not feel like an adventure. So far this trip has not felt like an adventure. I took a city bus to the part of town I’d been instructed to go to and spent an hour looking for an address that did not exist. I then spent another hour or so looking for my air bnb host (Finish house numbers do not work the way they do in Canada). Once set up I chose to take a short easy walk instead of venturing out again to meet the bio artists at the university in fear of getting totally lost again. I enjoyed my walk to the grocery store alone, but it was not an adventure. My boyfriend at home mentioned how close xmas was and implied that if we were going to spend it together we should make plans now. I found myself looking up flight modifications and noticed that it made me relax in a very nice way. I decided that despite the amazing opportunities ahead of me: a residency in a biology lab in the arctic and another during a pilgrimage in morocco I want to go home. I want to have a home. I left my apartment over 7 months ago. I generally like in between places and parts of life but I am ready for my own space.
All this reading about awareness and the self has made me really self-conscious. Not in the “everyone is judging me” sense but in a way-too-loud-inner-monologue-without-a-laugh-track kinda way. I came here to feel free and independent but so far I just feel really far away.
I feel like I am in an Ikea show room. The apartment is open concept and the bedroom doors slide into the walls. The furniture, crockery and art all look like they come from Ikea except for the brilliant coffee table made out of pallets on wheels painted white. Everything is tidy and ingeniously designed. There is a “you are here” print framed on the wall. The only thing on any of the walls. It’s the same logo as the one on the bottom of Ellice’s lap top. I wish I would listen to it. I think I need a good laugh with friends.